Our family relocated to another state several years ago. We were excited for the opportunities in our new church and ministry, and we were blessed to be able to build some wonderful new relationships. As time went by, I often wondered why I seemed to be struggling to create any close friendships. I experienced this feeling of loneliness for several years but dismissed the negative thoughts whenever they arose. My strategy was to remind myself that I have a wonderful husband who is also my best friend. Then, I would remember that I have no better friend than Jesus, and He can fill any void in my life.
However, the lonely feelings persisted. I noticed others enjoying fun activities together and wondered why we never did those things. Jealousy crept in my heart ever so slowly, and I began looking inward, wondering what was so wrong with me. In a feeble attempt to remain positive, I reminded myself, “You do have friends. Life is just busy at the moment, and it’s not the stage of life to just have fun with girlfriends.”
For several years, I allowed these thoughts and feelings to continue, unaware of my own self-sabotaging. One day, after noticing a social media post of friends getting together, I expressed my jealousy of that fellowship to my husband. In his wisdom, he kindly rebuked my negative spirit, “Those feelings are what lead people to become disgruntled and to leave a church.” I confessed that I knew my feelings were wrong, but I could not figure out how to fix my broken spirit.
I continued doing what I knew to do: I prayed, read my Bible, and waited on God. All I wanted was for Him to mend my heart and fix my struggles with jealousy. Coincidently, my responsibilities at my job changed so that I was moved to a different area where I could listen to podcasts while working. I began catching up on the Abundant Living Podcast, and at some point during this, the Holy Spirit revealed what was wrong with me.
My problem had nothing to do with others; it had been me and my own heart issues. I had allowed what others possessed to be the measuring stick in my own life to see where I was lacking, instead of being grateful for all that God had given me through godly friendships. When my thinking became wrong, then my inward vision became outward judgment. I used the standards of others to justify my jealousy, and in the process, I had been grieving the Holy Spirit. The whole time I had been feeling sorry for myself and blaming it on others it really had been something I needed to mend between me and my Saviour.
I confessed my wrong and made a commitment to God to be content in the wonderful friendships He has given me. Now that my vision has been “repaired,” I can clearly see God’s blessings and am humbled. I cannot help but to be content in all He has done for me. I love every one of the ladies at my church and value our relationships.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. – Psalm 51:10
by Jaime Wilson